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Monday, September 16, 2013

Afraid.. Fear.. Lost.. Not A good mix for life..

Assalamualaikum w.b.t

It has really been a long time since I post anything on this diary of mine.. Well, I don't think it plays any roles as it used to.. I have this diary since I was 15..  and 5 years had gone so fast.. From where I was before till the day I am writing this now.. So many things have change.. I have change too.. However, there is something that still remain the same..

That Fear..

There is always something that fears me.. Something about losing who I really am.. Something that I thought will try to cover up what used to be the real me.. It started when I got confused of myself.. That was way back then.. But somehow that feelings is coming back..

I used to be alone.. growing up, alone.. I learn things, all by myself.. and mostly I have my own thoughts without being influence by anyone.. I used to analyse things before believing.. I have fun creating things and explore things.. All is done with what we call technology.. Yes, I learn it since I was in highschool.. I learn lots of it.. Good and Bad.. Which I didn't really know which one is more..

Most people didn't know the side of me.. The side when I am alone.. And the other side when there is someone else there.. All I can say, no matter how long people knew me, or how deep they think they knew me.. They actually haven't knew me well yet.. Because I am never me to begin with..

Confusing right? I thought that so too..

I realize that, the situation I am right now brings me back to that same old me.. I didn't care being alone but I missed stuff that I learn when I am alone.. The things that I am able to explore.. I really have so much fun before.. I have a life that I love.. Is it possible to let a part of you just stop growing.. Let it stay 15.. in the same time let the other parts mature and grow along with life.. Because I don't want to miss my 15 and had to say goodbye.. but I don't want to stay 15 and let me wonder what future can buy.. Life is just the way it is.. right?

I appreciate everyone that had or have been there in my life.. although sometimes its not worth for them to be there in the first place.. But I thanked them.. You guys shaped me to who I am now.. Especially to these two who I rarely say thank you to because I know words wont be as incredible, as great as honourable as what both of you has given me.. I don't know where I will be without you guys..

My Ibu and My Ayah..
I know saying this won't really prove anything.. But I just want you guys to know, thank you for raising me.. I can't describe in words how you guys have provided me with more than enough love and affection.. I don't think there is anything that can repay you.. I am sorry for being a reckless and sometimes ungrateful daughter.. I am sorry if even once in my lifetime hurting you.. 

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